Crawfish Season Longest on Record.


Crawfish Season is Almost Over!

It's almost June, which, thankfully, means crawfish season is about to be over. Crawfish, for those unfamiliar, are terrifying, vengeful alien creatures that when cooked, somehow still remain terrifying, vengeful alien creatures. Crawfish are like baby lobsters that were bred to fight in some sort of secret, underground crustacean cockfight. They are an angry species. I've helped cook at a few crawfish boils. When they're not fighting each other by clawing and stabbing other crawdads in blood feuds, they're attacking your delicate fingers, which makes sorting through crawfish a lot like sorting through a bag of moving steak knives. Exciting! Crawfish also go by the name "mudbugs." Mmmmm.

Come on kids, get off that porch swing and get in the house! We're havin' mudbugs. The only good thing about crawfish is that in order to eat them, you have to barbarically dismember and suck out the body meat, which is a small victory for having to attend a crawfish boil.

Maybe you're on the fence about eating crawfish. Might I suggest watching another human being, preferably somebody you're attracted to, eat crawfish. Blindfolded, you could mistake the sound for a violent, yet passionate murder. Multiply that by a hundred, add swing jazz, and you've got yourself a crawfish boil! Fun! Crawfish should be eaten alone, by candlelight, in a room where the walls are covered in old newspaper clippings of unsolved murders. Of course, you can always avoid the boil altogether. All you'll have to do is buy and cook your own crawfish! Unfortunately, you can only buy crawfish by the sack. That's right, crawfish is sold by the sack, but hey, all good things come in sacks, right? The Monopoly guy's money, Santa's coal, sawdust – all sacks. The sack is filled with hundreds of live crawfish which are all crawling on top of each other, thus making it look like the bag itself is alive and moving. Don't worry, you're not having a nightmare, you're just preparing to have your first crawfish boil! Once you buy your body bag full of sea monsters, you're ready to go, provided you've spent the money on the proper equipment and are OK with inviting a group of 15-20 people over, each one asking you, "How do I eat crawfish, again?" That's the most fun part of eating crawfish; you don't really know how to do it. What other food can you eat while also feel embarrassed for not knowing how to eat? Only crawfish, baby.

Danny Palumbo

Danny Palumbo

Stand-up Comedian & Writer at
Danny Palumbo is a stand-up comedian and writer from Austin, TX.
Danny Palumbo

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